Adulting 101 - Three Simple Rules

2025-09-23 (Mod: 2025-09-30)  |   4 minutes

As a parent to several adult children, one of my last official acts before sending each one out into the world has always been to give them a sort of “job description” for being an adult. With our last fledgling quickly approaching that milestone, this will be my last such talk, so I thought I’d take a moment to share my simple rubric.

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The Three Commandments of Adulting

We’ll start with the first one you’ll need to master, which is also the hardest transition to make.

1. Own Your Shit

When you want something, need something, or have a job to do, it is your problem. You are responsible for getting it done. Nobody is going to remind you. Nobody is going to do it for you. Nobody is going to praise you for doing it well, or clean up your mess if you don’t.

You don’t have to do it yourself, but it is your responsibility to make sure it gets done and that it’s done properly.

If you’re the only person affected by it, nobody cares if you do it poorly, or if you even do it at all.

If other people are affected, they will care deeply if you fail or fuck it up, but it is still your job, not theirs.

2. Contain Your Shit

You have your shit to manage and other people have theirs. Do not let your shit become their shit. Do not manage your shit in a way that interferes with other people managing theirs. Do not add to the shit other people need to manage.

This is the second one you’ll need to master, and possibly even more important, if you want others to see you as an adult. Nobody manages perfect containment, and we try to cut each other slack for occasional failures, but it’s the goal we’re all striving for.

3. Level Up Your Shit

Once your own shit is sorted, look around. Find someone else who is struggling and offer to help them with their shit. But remember that it’s their shit - if they decline the offer, leave their shit alone.

If you see something that needs doing and nobody seems to own it, consider taking it on yourself. Tell others that you are doing so, and then add it to your shit.

If you don’t have the capacity to take on more shit, develop your shit-handling skills until you do, because there is always more shit than there are people to deal with it.

The Three Sins of Adulting

Breaking any of the above commandments - especially if you do so frequently - can create bad will, but there are three wrinkles that can also cause trouble.

The Lesser Sin: Letting your shit spill onto somebody else without warning. If your shit is not under control and you need help, ask for it. Or at least give everyone warning. And do so before it spills onto them. Part of owning your shit is knowing when it’s too much for you, coordinating additional resources to ensure it gets handled properly, and giving others a heads-up so they can handle any spillage effectively.

The Greater Sin: Having to ask for the same help again and again. Everyone needs help from time to time, but asking for the same help repeatedly means you’re not learning how to handle it yourself.

The Cardinal Sin: Not even trying to own your shit. We’re all in this together, each managing our own shit, but if you aren’t even trying, nobody will want you around, because you’re a shit fountain raining extra shit on everyone near you.

That’s it - the minimal spanning ruleset for being a responsible adult. This isn’t enough to make you popular, wealthy, or even likeable, but in my experience, it is the bare minimum to keep the other adults in your community from surrounding you with pitchforks and running you out of town.

It also explains why the highest praise one adult can give another is, “Wow, you’ve really got your shit together.”