The Whitehouse is jubilant today, hailing President Donald J. Trump as an unprecedented genius. After firing former NASA Chief Bert McMurdle and installing himself in the dual roles of lead administrator and chief scientist, the multi-talented Trump effected sweeping changes to the entire roster of programs under management by the agency. The first to reach completion, Project Artemis was concluded successfully today, and came in at an estimated total cost of only 12.5%, as compared to the budget originally approved by McMurdle.
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“Science guys just don’t know business like I do,” Trump said, after making the announcement from the Whitehouse’s new Golden McNugget Ballroom. “Frankly, nobody does. All those smart people working for so long and none of them could see it, but I just walked in on day one and boom! There it was. Totally obvious. I’ll probably get one of those sciency great thinking awards like they have in Sweden.”
Project Artemis, the country’s long-awaited return to the moon, was originally scheduled to require 9 days, but under Trump’s leadership, was concluded this morning after only 23 hours, making it not only the cheapest but also the fastest moon mission in human history, the President proudly explained.
“We got there! And really fast, too. Those kids did a great job,” he said, referring to the crew of three astronauts, whose families were all on hand for the announcement. “They will be missed, but not for long. We’re going to open a hotel at the site, where you can go and pay your respects at the beautiful 7th tee and memorial garden. Moon golf is absolutely fantastic. They tell me a seven iron carries for almost two miles. Can you imagine? Two whole miles!”
At that point, the reception was interrupted by a young woman shrieking uncontrollably, but she was quickly removed by Secret Service. The President laughed and moved gracefully to restore the party atmosphere.
“One of the mothers,” he said. “Overcome by emotion. You know how they get. But she’ll be alright. We have the best grief counsellors. Now let’s talk more about me. Did you know that in the old days, astronauts were 35, 40, sometimes even 50 years old?” He went on to explain how crazy that was.
"At those kinds of ages, they’re already fully grown," he said. “They need full sized suits and ships, they eat full sized meals, and breathe a lot more air. But have you ever seen a Kid’s Meal? They’re tiny. Hardly any food at all. That’s where I got the idea. So much easier to launch into space. And five is a much smaller number than forty, did you know that? Nobody ever noticed before, but I did. So even if you lose all of them, it’s still less than losing even one the old way. Way, way less, which opens so many possibilities. So that’s how we’ll be doing all our science stuff now.”
When asked for comment, former NASA Chief Bert McMurdle replied, “Is that retarded hate-bucket still in power? Get off my lawn!” He then shot out the headlights of our approach vehicle, forcing us to retreat, so we still don’t know what he thinks of the President’s stunning contributions to scientific exploration.
