Today we see that pronouns are like pit bulls.
What I gleaned about the story: Miara is a sorceress enslaved by the local landholder. She can read minds, shape-shift, charm animals and even command plants to do her bidding, but despite all this, she is unable to escape the clutches of the evil woman who runs the local castle.
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Analysis: The very opening of the story gave us an interesting situation: a girl watching a raven trying to open a lock. That’s a great image that immediately drew me into the story world, wondering what was going on. But the next paragraph confused me. “What are you doing?” The raven lifted the latch and burst through the cage door just as the Mistress arrived.
Who asked the question? Since there was no paragraph break, I originally assumed that Miara had asked it, although I couldn’t figure out what the bird had done that was so surprising to her. It might have been the raven who said it, since they are known to be able to talk, but the context didn’t seem to give any reason for the raven to have asked a question at all. After reading further, I think it must have been the Mistress who spoke, but if so, then why was the raven’s subsequent action not set in a new paragraph?
Overall, I was thrown off my stride and had to stop to try to pick up the pieces. And that’s a shame, because that whole raven scenario had already pulled me in.
Analysis: While explaining her situation to us, Miara confides that she “could change form and charm animals, summon plants and hear the thoughts of men.” Excuse me? She can summon plants? As in mentally command them to come to her and they will do so? If this really is an ability she has, it is so strange that it simply cannot be tossed off in such an offhand manner. Without further explanation it stands out for me as a ludicrous impossibility, which completely jerked me out of the story world.
Analysis: Near the bottom of the first page I got this: “What happened to Dekana?” Miara asked as evenly as she could, as the Mistress yanked the neck of her tunic aside to expose the always-raw brand on her shoulder.
Ooo. The Mistress has a brand on her shoulder. Maybe she’s some kind of cultist. That would be interesting. But why is she exposing it in the middle of a conversation with her slave? Still, it’s a fascinating bit of character detail. Except that’s not what happened. Two paragraphs later it became obvious that it was Miara’s tunic that the woman yanked, not her own. Sadly, pronoun binding chalks up yet another immersion bust.
Take the Pepsi Challenge: Want to know if my own writing measures up? Try the free sample on one of my books or short stories and decide for yourself.
At first I wanted to poo-poo away your “confusing conversation”, but alas, I also did the mental double take while reading it. Then to your comment on her ability to “summon plants” in her list of abilities made me stop and reread that paragraph. I do suppose that when introducing a character a grocery list of abilities does take away some other chance to to late expose it. Like when she sees the fallen branch and empowers it to spout and take root. And finally, the robe issue. It would have kept cadence better to have worded it this way: Miara asked as evenly as she could, as the neck of her tunic was yanked aside by her Mistress exposing the raw brand on her right shoulder which never quite healed.
So, now I’ll go find one of your books. OK, I’m back. I’ve selected Tayna. I loaded a sample based on the story line. I hope you’re as good a writer as you are a critic.
I’ll take that challenge. :-) Thanks, Pamela. I hope you enjoy Tayna’s wild adventure. It was my first novel, written several years before I started doing IOD reports and I like to think I’ve gotten tighter and smoother since then, but I stand by it just the same.
I took the “Jefferson Smith Challenge”.
I am now reading book 2.
That young fireball Tayna has won me over. She’s a bit mouthy but justifiably so. Introducing her past in such a way was clever. Very good if you’ve not read the first book. I’m enjoying your host of characters and their individual personalities. This is a fun break from reading Lee Child. He’s occupied my attention for a couple years as I slowly worked through his plethora of novels. Can’t wait to see what Tayna does about her “husband”, if a certain characters are ever rescued, and if she will meet up with others again. Enjoying this romp. Keep writing. -Pam
So glad you’re enjoying Tayna’s journey, Pam. Feedback like this is what keeps me writing, so I dedicate today’s pages to you. :-)