Today we see that when the prose lacks nuance, it amplifies other problems.
What I gleaned about the story: With her mother now dead it falls to young Juma to lead her family, so she leads them to a village.
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Note: Fabulous cover. It can be hard to find the right balance when you’re straddling two different genres, but this cover does an excellent job (to my eye) of suggesting both fantasy and romance.
Note: A fantasy novel set in prehistoric Africa? I’m already intrigued.
Analysis: The opening scene begins with a family group moving across the hot, dry African plain. We don’t know where they’re going, exactly, but it has been made clear that they are traveling slowly to conserve energy in the heat. However, we are then immediately told that the protagonist: trotted silently after her father. Trotted? They’re jogging? That doesn’t at all conform to the image I’ve been given of the cautious, plodding pace they’ve been keeping.
Note: There is a vague oddness to the prose. I know the author is not a native English speaker, but it feels like that skill-set may have been missing from the editing team as well. It’s hard to put my finger on any one passage that’s actually wrong, but solid prose has a flow to it that seems absent here, or at least, spotty. There are also a number of odd word choices. Nothing WTF-worthy yet, but enough to create background static in the immersion signal.
Analysis: The protagonist is telling us how her nomadic cave-family will struggle to survive the coming winter if the weather doesn’t cooperate. She tells us: If the rain didn’t come soon, the tribe would find it hard to make ends meet this year.
Make ends meet? Upon investigation, I learned that the metaphor is actually very old, but that was only after it had jerked me out of the story. I only ever hear that phrase in the context of very modern concerns: checkbooks, monthly mortgage payments, grocery shopping at the Quiki-mart, etc. So the effect, for me, was to suddenly visualize this pre-historic nomad girl wandering through a Walmart, trying to decide which new spear she could afford.
Analysis: At the bottom of the first page, the family is entering a village and the narrator tells us: Juma’s father pulled his plain brown kikoi closer and pointed to the wide open gates in the fence of prickly bushes that surrounded the village and kept it save from lions and other dangers.
I realize that “save” is a simple mistyping of “safe,” but when I first read it, I thought it meant “kept it <comma> except from lions” and I couldn’t figure out what use a protective fence would be if it didn’t keep out lions. (The old-fashion construction of “save from” meaning “except from”.)
Note: In retrospect, all three problems cited today stem from a lack of nuanced feel for the language. I suspect the story is actually very good. I liked what I saw of the character dynamics and the situation they were in. But in terms of immersion, it was the little language things that kept yanking me out. I wonder how much further I’d have made it if the story had been reviewed by a really nuance-savvy native English speaker.
Thanks for your praise at the end. The problem is that I always have to rely on native speakers to get the nuances right (although my language skills have improved considerably over the last few years), and all I can do is rely on the ones I can afford. It’s always a question of how much I can afford with what I earn. Also, it is really hard to determine who is a qualified proofreader who understand the nuances I need. One native speaker suggests this change another one that, and I wonder who is right. I guess that’s the risk of writing in a language not entirely my own.
BTW, I thought a trot is the sort of gait a wolf uses when he moves at the same, energy saving speed for a very long time. Is that wrong?
Hi Katharina,
Like Jefferson, I loved your cover, too.
As an author currently having a book translated from English into French, I understand your dilemma. I chose my translator with great care and, although a French native, she speaks excellent English and knows what I am looking for in a translation.
However, as a trial run, I asked her to translate the first chapter and then passed it around to my French neighbours (I live in Brittany). Only when my neighbours gave me the ‘thumbs-up’ did I offer the contract to the translator. I am entirely in her hands, however, and rely on her to do a great job.
By the way, a ‘trot’ suggests a speed greater than a slow walk (trudge) but slower than a run. Similarly, a ‘jog’ would be synonymous with a ‘trot’.
Trot can be used for human locomotion without problem, but it originates as a term used to show the speed of horses as in: walk, trot, canter, gallop (in order of speed)
In human gait, there are vast numbers of synonyms for the pace I think you are trying to suggest:
trudge, stumble, drag, limp, stagger, shuffle, plod, etc. etc. It would be impossible for me to be more definitive without reading the passage in Juma’s Rain.
Hope this helps in some way.
Good luck with your writing.
Thanks for the alternatives. I think I’ll use trudge since that seems to imply what I was aiming for. It#s a word I hadn’t (yet) learned. Also, I’ve given this book to several native speakers and not one of them commented on “trotting”, which is good because it means that the average reader is a lot less critical than Jeff (although I love the way Jeff dissects everything).
BTW, I’m not using a translator. I’m writing my books in English and then I translate them back into German, my mother tongue. It’s easiest for me that way, plus I’m improving my English with every book I write.
Using “trot” in the wolf context would be completely fine, but it does not have the same connotation when applied to humans. For us it equates to an informal jogging pace, which might be energy efficient (I don’t know) but conflicts with the other descriptions of moving slowly in the heat.
Thanks for explaining. I didn’t know because in German, a human who is “trotten” means he’s walking very slowly, maybe even dragging their feet. So I assumed that the meaning in English would be similar. It’s always good to learn that this is not the case.
BTW, I had noticed the save/safe issue before you posted this and uploaded the reviewed file about a week ago. ;-)
And I#m uploading the corrections of these issues right now. Isn’t is splendid that we’re Indies who are free to upload a better file any time?