Today we see that declarative sentence parades seem to arise from a mono-focus on physicality.
What I gleaned about the story: To be honest, nothing. Some guy is getting bounced around in the back of a Jeep. No names. No idea where they are, or what they’re racing toward – or away from.
Find this book on Amazon.
Analysis: The first two paragraphs echo on “I”, and then the third and fourth echo on “The”.
Analysis: After repeated encounters with this issue, I’ve finally formed a hypothesis about what actually causes it. For me, I think the problem stems from the tedium of sentence after sentence that all focus on making declarative statements about the physicality of the scene. Who is going where, what is hitting whom, etc. In such a flow of prose, there is nothing to really think about. Did the rock hit the garbage can? Yes it did. One rock, one can. Crash. There’s not really much you can do with that. Not much to sink your brain into. It’s when we start to look at the motives, and the expressions, and the emotional reactions of the people involved in the events that our natural curiosities and analytical instincts have room to engage. Without that, they’re just valueless facts. It’s the human dimension that makes a gunshot terrifying. Without that, it’s all just expanding gases and hurtling lead.
Analysis: Now we get a paragraph where all three sentences begin with “The.” And since I haven’t been given so much as a name or geographic location yet, there’s nothing to hold my attention away from all this echoing. I’m done.
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“It’s when we start to look at the motives, and the expressions, and the emotional reactions of the people involved in the events that our natural curiosities and analytical instincts have room to engage. Without that, they’re just valueless facts. It’s the human dimension that makes a gunshot terrifying. Without that, it’s all just expanding gases and hurtling lead.”
That really clarifies the age old advice of using all the senses in our writing. All the physical data in the world is just that…data. We need the human reactions to the data in order to make our stories interesting. Thank you! I think I’ve learned more about writing from reading your critiques than I have in any book or class I’ve read/attended. :)
Thanks, PJ Friel. That’s encouraging to hear. I’m glad you’re finding the series useful. But don’t keep it a secret. Make sure you tell others in your writing community about it too. :-)
Will do! :)
Hi Jefferson, just a few comments here. While I fully support everyone’s right to their opinions in any format they desire, public or private, I have to ask why a fellow writer is critiquing the works of others when their own books sit with rankings in the millions? (Insert glass house analogy here)
It’s not that I disagree with the opinions you expressed, I almost fully agree. This book was one of my first works and one thing I’ve found with most of the authors I know is that they would love to have the time to go back and rewrite those early works. I’ve contemplated this a thousand times. As to other problems with this book, you have to read five chapters before the first interaction with the aliens comes into play. After that, the action picks up through the end of the book. As a noob writer at the time, I thought I needed to build the characters first, give them a bit of personality. I’ve learned since to get right into the action and the character building will happen as the story develops. That might be writing 101 and when coupled with a thousand other common sense rules a writer can start a story on a much stronger foundation. At the time, I was starting from zero as far as knowledge of the rules goes. I’ve learned a lot since and continue to learn as I continue to write. That book was four long years and twenty novels ago.
I also learned that writing in first person narrative can be a tough sell. People either love it or hate it. (Hence the 3.6 rating after several hundred reviews) Some readers get irate because there is no dialogue. Other readers seem to love the idea of being told a story by one person and not by a group. What did I really learn from it? If you want to sell, pick the most popular format to write in.
That brings me back to my earlier point. You obviously love to write. You should be asking yourself “Why don’t my books sell?” Is it the stories? The prose? The covers or blurbs? And please don’t tell me you fall into the camp of “sales don’t matter, it’s the art”. The only people spouting that are the ones who don’t sell. I don’t want to sound harsh here, but it seems your own work is languishing in anonymity while you throw rocks at the work of others. Again, I’m not saying that I don’t need to be pelted by the occasional rock, I just wonder if you should be the one throwing it.
Take care and I hope nothing but the best for you in the future.
Stephen
I think instead of saying, “Oh, yeah?! Well, you suck, too, Jeff!” You really meant to say, “…”
Writing 101/Common Sense from Chuck Wendig
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/10/21/five-ways-to-respond-to-a-negative-review-a-helpful-guide/
I looked at the link about what to do in response to a negative review. And I immediately stopped. The pervasive and gratuitous use of foul language was thoroughly off-putting. Reading that…well, I am reminded of GIGO. Perhaps my remarks provide opportunity to practice his tips.