Today we see that early echoes are probably a sign of more echoes to come.
What I gleaned about the story: A young girl, descended from some kind of interstellar shipwreck colony, has a pleasant conversation with Loki, the Norse God, in her bramble patch.
Find this book on Amazon.
Analysis: The first and second sentences start with “Anna.” Also the first and second paragraphs. That’s almost half of the sentences in the first two paragraphs, which creates an immediate impression that the entire book is going to echo. This is one of the many problems that can be brought to light by reading the work aloud and listening to yourself, which also helps to find awkward phrasing, clumsy punctuation, and unnatural dialogue.
Analysis: Ignoring the mixed verb tenses here, the thing that I stumbled over was the bit about traces. If they had truly left no trace of their passing, how did anybody know it had happened? Authors often try to punch up the drama and mystery of their stories with throw-away descriptions like this, but too often, they don’t stop to consider the full implications of what they’re saying.
Note: “Just a couple questions.” This is an emerging trend that I’ve seen many times, but it’s the first time I can recall seeing it in an IOD submisision. Maybe it’s regional, and maybe it’s generational, but dropping the “of” drives me bonkers. You wouldn’t say, “Just a pair questions,” so you shouldn’t do it with “couple” either. That should read “Just a couple of questions.”
Analysis: A whole slew of them. Another pair of “Anna”s. Then pairwise marches headed with “The,” “A”, and “Rosa.” That’s the point at which I charged another WTF and the clock stopped.
Ouch, but thanks. This was my first published book and I welcome the criticism (as painful as it may be to hear). Friends and family can only tell you so much. At some point you need to toss the little bugger out into the world and see how it really holds up.
The dropping the “of” might be regional to SE Michigan. I’ll need to keep on eye out for those occurrences. It sounds completely normal to me. While I do understand it’s grammatically incorrect, it’s a fairly common form of spoken dialog in these parts.
Interesting comment about the echo in the names. Definitely something I will keep in mind while writing.
Thanks again for doing this. You’ve given me some clear, measurable things to watch for and once my ego emerges from the corner where it’s cowering in despair, I’ll apply them to my future works. When I get my next story published in a few months (starting a final edit/rewrite now) I’ll toss it in the ring again. Hopefully I’ll last longer than this one.
At least I can stop with the endless hitting of the refresh button every morning. Now I can take my time and get a proper cup of tea before reading your blog.
-A.S. Webster
I’m glad you found it useful. And good luck on getting the next one out the door. I look forward to seeing it.
Actually, that dropping of ‘of’ is a trend in modern journalism, too. As columns get ever narrower and pages get cut from the paper to save pennies on the newsprint, there’s a push for writing to get more and more concise. For better or worse, that often means eliminating any words possible that wouldn’t change the meaning of the sentence. I’m not sure they teach it in schools, but it’s a habit I got into on the desk to shoehorn information into an ever-shrinking space.
My husband did most of the writing on our Immerse or Die submission. I think (and am hoping) I didn’t apply my copy editing style too harshly, but I guess we’ll see what Mr. Smith thinks in the future.