Today we see that internal contradictions form pincers that can crush immersion.
What I gleaned about the story: A farm boy sees strange weather coming, but his mother won’t listen. Even the chickens seem unconcerned.
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*It’s clear from additional context that a wall of dense fog is what’s creeping in, not storm clouds being viewed at a great distance.
Analysis: Aside from the slightly purple, grandiose style, I’m getting an image of a malevolent looking fog bank creeping across the landscape. But I’m also told about a heralding wind that’s blowing hard enough to make the grass bow. And those two images seem at odds to me. Fog rolls in because it is pushed by the wind, so the two travel at the same speed. It’s possible that I’m misreading the intended image here, but it’s in the very first paragraph, so the imagery should offer no ambiguities if the reader is going to get hooked.
Alternately, this might be some kind of “magic” fog. But in that case, it needs to be lampshaded, so that the reader can relax, because the author has acknowledged how odd it looks and promises that he knows what he’s doing.
For those who don’t know the term, lampshading, (or more fully, hanging a lampshade) is a writing device in which the author calls specific attention to something that is odd or out of place. The subtext of the lampshade then, is that the author is whispering to the reader, “Yes, this is odd, and of course it shouldn’t be that way, but it is. So you’re just going to have to bear with me. All will be revealed in time.” You can read more about lampshading on TV Tropes.
Analysis: For a brief moment, I wondered if the POV character might be some kind of god, given the capitalized “He.” But later in the same sentence, the capitalization vanishes. So it turns out he isn’t a god after all, and it was just an editing mistake. But it came on page one, when my senses were at their most sensitive, and the god-no-not-god effect distracted me, causing my immersion to break.
Analysis: When I read that the draft animal’s name was “Mezlin,” it gave me an immediate sense of comradeship between the boy and the beast, suggesting that Mezlin had been granted a slim degree of personhood by the boy or the family. Not much, surely, but some. However, the use of the genderless “it” as the pronoun later in the sentence completely contradicts that mental image. So I don’t know what to think. Is this just a dumb animal? Or is Mezlin a part of the protagonist’s person-scape? This conflict caused immersion to pop, because I couldn’t figure out how to classify the animal.
Note: In all three cases here, we see one connotation conveyed by a particular choice of word or spelling, and then a conflicting connotation delivered moments later. This is the kind of thing an experienced copy editor would catch and eliminate for you.
Thank you very much for your Immerse or Die review of my book! I’m a bit sad that it wasn’t able to last longer, but you provided me with valuable feedback that I think I can take with me into future endeavors to improve my writing and the stories I want to tell.
Please keep up the good work and continue providing this valuable resource to those of us struggling to find our place in the modern world of self-publishing.
You’re very welcome, Jesse. I’m glad you found the experience worthwhile. And thanks for submitting.
I have to admit, I terrified of what he’ll think of my book, when it comes up for grabs. No idea how long it’ll be – it’s been a couple of weeks already, so it’s probably getting close.
It’s a terrifying prospect, getting it read in this sort of context, but you really are right. It is a valuable resource, and it is certainly a struggle to find our place in this world.
Have to admit, I wish there was some sort of process that you had to go through in order to self publish, such as through Amazon, that required your book to be proof-read.
I’m sure your story is a great one – with enough heads up, a good copy-editor, and objective feedback, I’m sure it would have shone. It’s a learning experience for all of us, though. I’ve been watching these reviews like a hawk, trying to figure out which errors might be in mine, trying to guess what responses he might make…
I dunno! But good luck to both of us, in our writing endeavours! :)
I was lucky enough to have a number of people who read over portions of my manuscript, including several who were able to read over the completed book. Their help was invaluable with almost everything: writing in specific passages, fixing inconsistencies, discovering terms and names that were difficult. I even rewrote the entire last chapter based on their feedback.
They didn’t have the time or training to serve as a professional copy-editor, but every person who reads over the book can help make it better, even if it is something as brief as these Immerse or Die reviews.
I wish you the best of luck and remember: be proud of what you have produced and always be open to accepting criticism. Even if you disagree with what someone says, knowing how other people think is invaluable and can only serve to make you an even better writer.
I will say, Jesse, your book cover is amazing. Where’d you get it done? =D
Thank you very much! I actually commissioned the background image from a very talented artist who goes by the nickname Ishutani ( http://ishutani.deviantart.com ). He was incredibly helpful, attentive to my wishes, and very patient with my inartistic self. Then I threw on my name and the title myself, with the basic design philosophy of “stay out of the picture’s way.”
I liked his work so much, I actually commissioned him to do the cover for the sequel (which he has posted on his site at http://ishutani.deviantart.com/art/The-Sacred-Flames-399512831 ) and plan to hire him again for the third and final cover in the series.
I think I disagree with the first WTF moment a bit. The word “storm” congers images of vasts clouds, rain, winds, and even lightning rolling across the plains. I took the paragraph to be a description of the clouds, and just accepted that it came with wind if the clouds were moving across the plains.
Maybe that is because I lived in ND for so long, and that is exactly what storms looked like. I don’t know.
I appreciate your comment and I’m glad you were able to connect with the imagery! It just goes to show the subjective nature of writing; things that one person finds engaging will pull another reader out of the story.
I can understand why you’d get that impression from this excerpt, but it’s only an excerpt. Other passages outside the excerpt include: “The mist came on like a wall…” And then later, the “fog threatened to eclipse the midday sun.” Had it been just the storm crawling across the ground, my imagery would not have been conflicted. (After all, I live in Saskatchewan, so I’m quite familiar with the majestic grandeur of a storm sweeping across the plains.)
True, it’s hard to tell the complete context when you only have a snippet.